Sorrow and Celebration.

I’ve been dreading writing about today.

I’ve dreaded talking about today.

I’ve dreaded just living today.

She would have been one year old today. A whole year old.

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I was running through the halls, rushing to the delivery room, a panicked phone call that labor was starting… it was a year ago, a little after ten the night of June 19. I’d hold the hand of a brave sixteen-year-old girl and coach her through four hours of labor. I literally pushed with her, holding her. I’d scrubbed up for what we thought would be an emergency c-section, but moments before we were to go, Mira was born. It was just after 2 AM. I nearly caught her. She opened her eyes and saw me. Mira impacted so many lives. I had no idea what was to come. After snapping a few pics, loving on our birth-mom and getting her situated for the night, and of course, seeing Mira off to the NICU to be stabilized, it was 3 AM, and all the adrenaline pumping stopped and I was ready to collapse. The L&D floor wasn’t super adoption-friendly. I’d received disapproving glares from a few nurses, seemed in the way to them. We got no room that night, like we were told we would. We weren’t even allowed to have a blanket. We were just “visitors,” they said. Whatever. I was overwhelmed with joy and exhaustion, and I slept on the hard, cool wood floor of the 7th floor waiting room with no blanket or pillow. Just my body laid out on the floor. I slept until 8 AM. Her birth was much like her life, miraculous, difficult, complicated, glorious. I am still overwhelmed with emotion.

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I’ve been dreading this day for months, but I can’t help but see that everything around me testifies that God is still good, still sovereign, and still for us, even when I get choked by the darkness of grief. He is still glorious, even in a world of brokenness.

I have to remember that today is a day to celebrate – –

To celebrate that she lived surrounded by love for five beautiful months.

To celebrate that her birth-mom chose life.

To celebrate open adoption, and bonds that we will forever share.

To celebrate the miracle that of all people in the world, God saw fit to make me her mama.

To celebrate her impact on so many – in raising awareness for congenital heart defects, in teaching people about obedience, in bringing Glory to God.

Happy first birthday in heaven, sweet girl. I’m celebrating you.

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